Such Sweet Sarrow
5:35 AM
My time here in India has come to an end and it's a bag of mixed
emotions, primarily filled with sadness and tears. The last three months have been mostly about the people (and maybe the food too,
#letsbereal). Kochi is not an area known for their food or nightlife (I mean I guess they are known for their lack thereof), and although there are some pretty things to be seen in the surrounding area, by far the most important thing for me here has been the people and the relationships I have built with them. Leaving that is clearly not an easy thing to do.
'It's always easier being the one leaving' has been my motto for
the last couple of years.
When I left France two years ago, I thought of my
then-boyfriend, and how impossible remaining in the same place would be after we
decided to break up in lieu of doing long distance. Going past the restaurant
where we had our first date, seeing friends he had met through me, and passing
by my flat where he used to pick me up from would all just be too painful of
reminders for me had I been the one staying in Angers. Similarly, going back to
and then leaving Chicago, I always felt that I had made a good decision; that
whatever places and experiences I knew and had had in Chicago would always be
there as nostalgic or even painful reminders, and that it was much better to
move to Denver and explore a different world than to stay in a place that I
already knew so well.
In a selfish way, I hadn't given much thought beyond that to those
that had stayed when I left. I knew they would all develop and have their own
experiences, much more than what we had had together, that I would never have any idea about. I guess I never really thought of what it's like to be the
one who stays, and the process of those sharp and emotional memories triggered by places fading eventually into ambivalence. Eventually,
walking down Rue Max Richard past the broken front door that would open with a slight hip bump would no longer conjure images of our happy and
prematurely halted relationship for my ex, but I never thought about how that
felt exactly as the feeling was fading.
For the first time recently, I have been the one staying behind
and gotten a glimpse into what it's like. Going from spending so much time with someone and them being a large part of your waking and sleeping life to them essentially not existing has been difficult, but not impossible. It's odd to remain in the same place, going to work the same way as usual, and coming back to sleep in the same place, but have one small change throw off completely the life I had come to love so deeply. In Kochi, I was lucky enough to find someone I really cared about; someone who opened my eyes to see a culture in a way that I simply didn't have the lens to see before. Someone who inspired me, enlivened me, and made me feel.
Once he left, that made me feel something in a way a whole world apart; a little empty and a little confused. It's an odd feeling being in the same place and knowing that something is completely different....like you're seeing your same situation for the first time, but not necessarily in a positive way.
Besides that, there's something really wonderful about the pain of leaving
"on the upswing", which is absolutely where I am at currently with Kochi and India in general. Literally everywhere I have lived or spent time in,
I've always left with a pang of sorrow, knowing that I'm leaving behind a lot
that I have come to love. Although it feels terrible in the moment, there's
some really beautiful in knowing the absence of something you care for can
create so much inner sadness. Anyways, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's
indifference as they say, so I guess that can be applied to happiness and
sadness as well.
Kochi, I am sad to leave you and I hope one day to have the opportunity to return like Mahabali to see my beloved Keralites again. This has been a crazy experience unlike at all what I expected, but so much more.
.ming
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